Rukum.

Today it pinches a little more.
The paining nerve that I have left to whittle.
Except that the pain doesnt does down.
A part of my brain hurts silently as I continue to live this life.
There's nothing I can do about it.
It's going to be 15 years this July. Somehow it feels like yesterday.

Yuktha has realised she only has one grandmother. 
Nowadays, she often asks, Mumma where is your mother?
She has seen the pictures in my phone.
'Who is she?' Is she your mother? 
'What is she doing now? You dont talk to your mumma? Why do I have only one grandma?'
Yuktha is a curious child; I am a clueless mother here.
I was not prepared for these questions. How do I make a 6-year old understand death?
These were not mentioned in any parenting book or magazine.

 

For the past six years I am raising a child without the presence of my mother. 
It's lonely at times. Moreoften than I would like to admit. 
I can't just pick up the call and vent to her about my parenting inhibitions, struggles or daily life.
I don't get asurances that it is going to be just fine.
I don't get chide away either, that maybe, just maybe, I am overreacting.
In my quest of being a strong, independent mother, who can sail though anything, I almost forgot what it feels to have the safety and warmth of your own mother.
I almost forgot what it feels like. 
Maybe, that's how our fate is, to live this life with an eternal longing.
The desire to see you again, hug you and bawl my lungs out of how much I missed you.
Until we meet again mumma.....Happy Mother's day! xoxo!!